Lost You Forever Chapter 45: Mistaking Life and Death for Longing

The last chapter of Lost You Forever was so action packed everyone needed to take a breather to assess the current impasse. Jing is likely dead, so Xiao Yao is depressed, and Xiao Yao being depressed makes Zhuan Xu upset, but then he’s probably not all that upset since in the long run Jing’s not his romantic rival anymore. Sadly the narrative heading into chapter 45 still leaves Zhuan Xu a non-entity for Xiao Yao’s heart, and frankly life would suck if she was married to him and dealing with his palace harem. It’s not that he would ever love anyone but her, it’s that his greater duty is to the kingdom, just like Xiang Liu’s greater duty is to General Gong Gong. Xiao Yao was so on point when she told her mom that only Jing would always place her first and never leave her. Now that the second attempt on Xiao Yao’s life is once again a failure, Xing Yue is going to have to try harder or give up, there’s no point is seething behind the scenes when Xiao Yao is oblivious as to the reason behind it. If Xiao Yao learned the truth, would that change the way she sees Zhuan Xu? We’ll be founding out shortly.

Ch 45 – Mistaking Life and Death for Longing:

When Xiao Yao woke up, she was resting on a water jade pallet, her entire body wrapped in bone repairing wood so she couldn’t even move. On the other side of the jewel curtain sat Zhuan Xu at the desk reading official documents.

Xiao Yao shifted slightly and Zhuan Xu tossed the document down and rushed over “You’re awake?”

Xiao Yao asked “Where is Left Ear?”

Zhuan Xu said “Injured but nothing critical.”

“How long have I been asleep?”

“One day and one night.”

Xiao Yao noticed his exhausted demeanor and smiled sadly “Sorry for worrying you again.”

Zhuan Xu said “I’m fine, just need to sleep. I’ve already ordered the Li Jie Consort to be locked up in her residence for now.”

Xiao Yao asked “Do you really think it’s her?”

“Since the Li Jie Consort entered the Palace, she only likes to wander Sheng Nong Mountain and is uninterested in anything else. She’s also very aloof towards me. This matter doesn’t seem like her doing. After Yin checked you out and confirmed there was no danger, I went to interrogate her personally. She admitted writing the invite, organizing the lantern release party, she picked the swallow herself, and her two maids have committed suicide to atone so all the signs point to her and she doesn’t have any good explanation.”

“Who do you think really did it?”

Zhuan Xu furrowed his brows “Because it’s the Li Jie Consort, that makes it even harder to pinpoint as she doesn’t have many enemies or friends in the Palace. Anyone could have set her up, and daring to strike in Sheng Nong Mountain requires a lot of guts but many of the consorts come from powerful families. But.…” Zhuan Xu’s expression grew dark “The likely suspects have been narrowed down now to a small group. Last time she hired a killer to off you so I considered whether it was due to Qi Yo, but now it appears unrelated. I want to see how long she can hide.” Zhuan Xu’s hand clenched into a fist, he was filled with blame and fury, with all the care he put into protecting Xiao Yao, it ended up being someone in Zhi Jin Palace that wanted her dead.

Xiao Yao asked “Why do you think she wants to kill me?”

This question, when Xiao Yao first encountered danger Zhuan Xu had already asked himself. If he figured out why someone wanted to kill Xiao Yao, he could easily discover the killer. But he was well aware that, from a certain perspective, every single woman on Zhi Jin Summit had reason to hate Xiao Yao. But that was his deepest secret, hidden away so deeply and for so long, by now he felt that it was simply part of his life. He would always carry it, and no one would ever know.

Everyone knew the Black Emperor was very caring towards family, and everyone also knew the Black Emperor personally formed the marriage alliance between Xiao Yao and Feng Long, and later even saw the Black Emperor order the Xi Ling family to accept Jing’s request to marry Xiao Yao…..time and time again Zhuan Xu arranged for Xiao Yao to be married. Forgot other people, even Zhuan Xu himself saw absurd it was.

Zhuan Xu coldly laughed “I don’t know, maybe she discovered some secret.”

Xiao Yao wearily closed her eyes – Xing Yue and Feng Long wanted to kill her! One was Zhuan Xu’s Empress and the other his best buddy. Xiao Yoa didn’t know what to do. Even if Zhuan Xu knew, he wouldn’t order his top general and empress to be killed. Plus the empress was the daughter of Little Zhu Rong while the general was the head of the Chi Sui clan, the leader of the Four Great Clans.

A month later, Xiao Yao could walk using a crutch so she had Miao Pu assist her off the pallet.

She had Miao Pu take a list of herbs and go assemble it, and also make a target. Once Xiao Yao was all better, she wanted to start making poisons and practicing her archery again.

After Xiao Yao tired from walking, she sat underneath a tree to relax in the shade and also teach Left Ear to read and write. He easily memorized a character but had trouble understanding meaning in phrases. Like, he couldn’t understand what it meant to be “angry but unable to express.” He thought “angry then kill”, leaving Xiao Yao explaining until her throat was parched. She thought about General Gong Gong having a headache dealing with Xiang Liu like this and felt it so funny.

One was teaching with a headache and the other learning with a headache when a servant announced that the Empress, the Chi Sui Clan Leader, and Ji Jie Tribe Leader were all here to see Xiao Yao.

Xiao Yao pondered before saying “Invite them in.”

Left Ear stared at Xiao Yao, unable to understand why she wanted to see the enemy.

Xiao Yao patted Left Ear on the shoulder and said with a smile “Earlier you asked me what it mean to “smile and act like nothing is up.” I’m going to show you exactly that right now. You try to learn it, if you do it then I’ll have a prize for you.”

Xing Yue, Feng Long, and Li Jie Chang walked inside. Xiao Yao rested under the tree and made no move, saying with a smile “I can’t move easily to greet Your Highness, will Your Highness please forgive.”

Xing Yue smiled pleasantly “We’re here to check on your recovery, not here for curtsies. You just rest there!”

Miao Pu readied seating and invited the visitors to sit down.

Feng Long kept his head low drinking his tea, saying nothing.

Xing Yue and Chang were gregarious like usual, asking if Xiao Yao was recovering well, what she ate, giving her suggestions. Xiao Yao smiled and conversed with them pleasantly, sneaking glances at Left Ear from time to time. He stood there like a statue, which to Xiao Yao appeared to be Left Ear’s attempt to act like nothing was up.

Xing Yue laughed “Today we came to see how you’re doing, but also to ask a favor of you.”

Xiao Yao replied “Favor is too strong a word, Your Highness please go ahead.”

Chang’s smile disappeared and he said “I begged Her Highness to bring me to see you. I think you already know the reason. Since you were attacked my older sister has been locked up, with no information to be had. My family is worried sick and I know there is no proof to convince you that my sister didn’t orchestrate it. But with her personality, she will likely silently accept it rather than risk involving the whole family. The truth is, I asked my older sister to invite you to the lantern release party so she can convey some words from me. I also asked her to accompany you out more often to ease your sadness. I don’t know if my sister shared all that with you before the incident happened. Xiao Yao, I beg you on account of our friendship, can you please beg for mercy for my sister with His Majesty.” Chang stood up and bowed low to Xiao Yao.

Xiao Yao quickly said “No need for that, please sit and let’s talk.”

Chang refused to get up so Xing Yue said “I may not be close with the Li Jie Consort but Chang and my Gege have known each other since they were kids so I believe Chang’s explanation. I tried asking for mercy in front of His Majesty but he doesn’t listen to me. Xiao Yao, likely only you can sway His Majesty now.”

Chang bowed low to Xing Yue “Thank Your Highness.”

Normally Chang was the big boss of the underground casino, carefree and brash, but today he was worn down and solemn. Xiao Yao saw Xing Yue acting all sincere and also at the silent Feng Long and decided not to keep silent any longer. She said to Chang “Before the attack happened, Li Jie Consort already passed your words to me. You don’t have to worry, I believe you.”

Chang’s face lit up in joy “Really?”

Xiao Yao said “Really. His Majesty isn’t easily manipulated, he just needs time to get to the bottom of things.”

Chang finally relaxed a bit “Thank you.”

Xiao Yao said “I want to thank you and Li Jie Consort, you treat Jing as a good friend and that’s why you both care about how I’m doing.”

The mention of Jing made Chang look sadder “The Li Jie tribe was once very down and out due to the connection with Qi Yo, and Jing helped me a lot so the truth is that he’s more like a savior to my entire tribe. All I can do now is express a bit of concern.”

Feng Long suddenly stood up and stiffly said “The discussion is finished so let’s go back now!”

Chang thought Feng Long was awkward because of Xiao Yao running away from the wedding so quickly said goodbye “We won’t interrupt your recovery more, next time let’s find a chance to getogether.”

Xiao Yao smiled at Xing Yue “I want to chat with Your Majesty some more, how about have the guys leave first.”

Xing Yue smiled back “Sure! We’re not headed to the same place anymore, they are going back to Zhi Yi Castle while I’m going to Zhi Jin Palace.”

After Feng Long and Chang left, Xiao Yao said to Miao Pu “It’s enough with Left Ear here, you go prepare some cool drinks as summer afternoon refreshment.”

Miao Pu knew Xiao Yao didn’t want her to listen to the conversation so nodded and left.

Xiao Yao stared at Xing Yue, who initially was all smiles until gradually her smile grew frozen. Xing Yue awkwardly said “Why are you staring at me like that?”

Xiao Yao asked “Why do you want to kill me?”

Xing Yue forced a laughed and acted nonchalant “What are you talking about? I don’t understand.”

Xiao Yao said each word slowly “I asked why do you want to kill me?”

Xing Yue frantically stood up and turned to leave.

Xiao Yao yelled “Stop! Sheng Nong Xing Yue, if you’re this much of a coward then why even attempt it? And not even once but twice!”

Xing Yue stopped and turned back towards Xiao Yao, her demeanor calm and expression filled with disgust. She coldly said “If you already know, why haven’t you told His Majesty?”

Xiao Yao asked again “I want to know why do you want to kill me?”

Xing Yue shook her head while laughing out loud. Xiao Yao didn’t know, she actually didn’t know anything! Xing Yue suddenly felt Zhuan Xu was so pitiful and pathetic, an Emperor above all who ruled the entire world, and he couldn’t even express his longing for one woman.

Xiao Yao asked “Why are you laughing?”

Xing Yue replied “I’m laughing at myself, and laughing at Zhuan Xu! You ask me why I want to kill you, well I’ve already told you before.”

Xiao Yao thought back and was confused “What did you tell me?”

Xing Yue said “When you were getting ready to marry Jing, I came to Xiao Yue Peak and told you that if anyone was going to take something I owned away from me, I would not let her off the hook!”

Xiao Yao was even more confused “What have I taken from you?”

“What have you taken from me? Which woman of all the women on Zhi Jin Summit can see His Majesty every single day?”

“So many consorts, it’s impossible for any one to see Zhuan Xu every day.”

Xing Yue smirked “So even you know that no woman can see His Majesty every single day. But there is one woman, as long as His Majesty is on Sheng Nong Mountain, who can see him every day. Who is she, Xiao Yao?”

Xiao Yao was stunned, there was a woman on Zhi Jin Summit who could see Zhuan Xu every single day? Did he find the woman that he truly loved?

Xing Yue stalked towards Xiao Yao “On all of Sheng Nong Mountain, there is no woman who dares to go against His Majesty. We don’t even dare say an extra word, but there is one woman who dares to strike His Majesty, cause him to sport a bruise when he meets with his officials. Xiao Yao, who is she?”

Xiao Yao’s heart thundered and her face was wide with shock. She opened her mouth but could say nothing.

Xing Yue continued to walk towards Xiao Yao and coldly said “Of all of Zhi Jin Summit’s consorts, who dares call His Majesty by his first name? Who dares walk alongside His Majesty? Who dares let His Majesty dry her hem and carry her shoe?”

Xiao Yao anxiously tried to explain “What of it if it’s all me? You haven’t just met Zhuan Xu and me, you knew we interacted like this with each other since you met us.”

Xing Yue glared at Xiao Yao, her face exploding with hatred “Xiao Yao, how dare you say you didn’t take anything from me? Everything I want, you have it! Now it’s only this much, what will happen when the day arrives you want to be the Empress?”

Xiao Yao angrily retorted “You’re insane! I….I….how could I ever want to be the Empress?”

Xing Yue laughed loudly “I’m crazy? I’m the most sane person around! His Majesty sees you as important as his life, you are willing to risk your life for His Majesty! Now that Jing is dead, one day you’ll realize that you and His Majesty……….”

“Shut up! Shut up!”

“Shut up!”

The first two were Xiao Yao screaming out, but the final shut up came from Zhuan Xu. He was standing at the door coldly staring at Xing Yue before calmly walking inside.

Xing Yue unconsciously shivered and immediately bowed low “Your Majesty.”

Zhuan Xu said “I figured it was you, who knew you would admit it yourself.”

Xing Yue didn’t prostrate herself to beg forgiveness, instead she straightened her back and stared unflinching at Zhuan Xu.

Zhuan Xu said to Xiao Xiao “Escort the Empress back to Zhi Jin Palace. Lately it’s not as safe, send a few more guards to protect the Empress.”

“Yes!” Xiao Xiao and two guards escorted, or more like insisted, Xing Yue into the cloud carriage and took off.

Zhuan Xu said to Left Ear “You’re dismissed.”

Xiao Yao yelled “No!” She was scared right now to be alone with Zhuan Xu.

Zhuan Xu didn’t insist and instead sat on the pallet and silently stared at Xiao Yao. She looked left and right, like so many things around her was interesting, and did everything she could not to look at Zhuan Xu. He was the opposite, he just stared at Xiao Yao like she was the only thing left in the entire world.

Zhuan Xu didn’t speak, like he could be this way until the end of time. Xiao Yao licked her lips and said awkwardly “Xing Yue is mistaken, I…..you….it’s impossible! She must have misunderstood!”

“If you think she’s spouting nonsense then why fret over it?” Zhuan Xu’s voice was calm without a ripple.

Xiao Yao felt a weight lifting and smiled towards Zhuan Xu, who continued to stare unblinking at her. In the darkness of his eyes there were two little hers, and an endless abyss of sadness like the darkest of night. Xiao Yao was scared, she wanted to run or hide, but she was caught up in that never ending darkness with no place to run or ride. She tried to smile and make things go back to the way it was.

Xiao Yao frantically said “Xing Yue said I was the only woman on Sheng Nong Mountain who can see you every day. But she’s wrong because you come to Xiao Yue Peak every day to pay your respects to Grandfather. She said I spent the most time with you but she’s wrong, Xiao Xiao spends the most time with you! She says I can call you by your first name, but that’s also wrong since Ah Nian also calls you Zhuan Xu gege. Xing Yue said I dared to hit you but that wasn’t my fault! You attacked Gao Xing and I’ve been a Gao Xing princess for hundreds of years, I can’t be expected to not react. As for the hem drying and shoe carrying, it’s really nothing since you did stuff like that for me when we were kids, but now you’re the Emperor so everyone is watching is all! I’ll be aware from now on and won’t let you do stuff like that……..”

Xiao Yao’s voice started to quiver and her body was shaking, the smile on her face turning pitiful as if pleading with Zhuan Xu to agree with what she said, to agree that Xing Yue was mistaken.

Zhuan Xu didn’t accede to Xiao Yao’s plea, he looked down instead and stopped staring at Xiao Yao, so Xiao Yao grabbed her crutch and got up to run away.

Zhuan Xu’s voice rose to break the silence “When I heard Xing Yue, Feng Long, and Chang came to see you, I hurried here and arrived just in time to hear you ask Xing Yue why she wanted to kill you. I knew the answer and could have stopped her from answering, but I did nothing and allowed her to say it.”

Zhuan Xu sighed painfully “Xing Yue wanted to kill you which made me enraged, but as I listened to her talking I actually grew grateful towards her. The secret has been hidden inside for so long, and I’ve done so many heartless things, you wouldn’t believe it, the whole world wouldn’t even it, and even I sometimes think about how absurd it all is. Yet there was one person who saw the truth! So in the eyes of one person out there, I am so so good to you. The Black Emperor Zhuan Xu isn’t such a heartless person!”

Zhuan Xu continued “Xiao Yao, I thought that I could wait, I could wait as long as it takes for you turn around and see me. But the more I wait the more I lose hope, I’m so afraid you’ll never look back, or when you look back you’ll see someone else who isn’t me! You can see Feng Long wanting to marry you, you can see Jing being good to you, you can see how charming and interesting Fang Feng Bei is, but in your eyes you see me arranging for you to date other men, agreeing for you to marry other men, and even doing so with a smile on my face. I did it not just once, but twice……..”

Xiao Yao’s legs buckled and she weakly sat back down on the pallet, the crutch falling from her land and landing with a resounding thud.

Zhuan Xu kneeled down before Xiao Yao and placed the crutch to the side “Every time I take a new wife I forbade you from congratulating me. I am Xuan Yuan Zhuan Xu, from the moment my mom committed suicide this is the path I chose. I cannot say no to the marriage alliances, I can’t tell people I don’t want it, that I hate it! My only consolation is you not congratulating me, I decided that if I didn’t get your congratulations then it means every wedding didn’t have your consent and without your consent then it doesn’t count!”

Zhuan Xu smiled pitifully “Isn’t it laughable? The whole world sees it but I still don’t think any of it counts, because none of the weddings got your consent!”

Xiao Yao’s eyes teared up as she remembered Zhuan Xu’s reaction before each marriage.

Zhuan Xu said “In Xuan Yuan Castle, you laughed about me being so different than my parents. They only had each other in their entire lives, while I was marrying woman after woman. Then I thought I was really different from them, not because I have a lot of women, but because I knew I only wanted you yet was willing to give up that love to succeed! I even saw you smiling with Jing and being okay with it since we were still alive, and that was all that mattered. As long as you didn’t end up like Grandmother, Auntie or my mom, crying and in pain, then nothing else mattered! No matter if I had other women or you have other men, it didn’t matter at all! But later I realized I was still their son and just like them, I didn’t just want to stay alive, I wanted to stay alive with you! I want to welcome the dawn every morning with you, I want to have dinner every night after coming home from working hard, I want to build swings for you and push you on the swing, I want to plant phoenix trees for you, to watch the flowers bloom on it, to suck the honey out of the petals, to talk to you, to see you smile, to hear you sing……”

“Don’t say anymore!” Xiao Yao shut her eyes painfully as her tears continued to fall.

Zhuan Xu remained kneeling before Xiao Yao and placed his arms on the pallet to look up at her “You once sincerely wished that I would find the woman I want to marry. I already found her. Xiao Yao, I know you haven’t forgotten Jing but I can wait, I am willing to wait until your emotional wounds have healed, until you are willing to marry me. I won’t ask that you forget Jing, I just want you to give a part of your heart to me. I just want a little bit, a tiny little portion, so that we can spend the remaining days of our lives together.”

Zhuan Xu’s position was very subservient and his words pleading and pitiful. In his entire life, he always courageously fought for what he wanted, never then did he beg with such a low demeanor.

Xiao Yao continued to cry, not sure for what she was crying about – that she loved but could not have, or that Zhuan Xu’s love all these years could not have.

“Xiao Yao, don’t cry!” Zhuan Xu wanted to comfort Xiao Yao but didn’t know how to right now. He just tried to guess her feelings “Xiao Yao, don’t cry, don’t cry…….nothing has changed, only that you know I want to marry you. I’m not asking you to accept me, I’m willing to wait, even wait until we die, none of that matters to me……..”

Xiao Yao flopped on the pallet, crying even more loudly.

Zhuan Xu grew silent, he knew things had changed, and it was because he wanted more from her. Zhuan Xu said painfully “Xiao Yao, don’t hate me! I love you, that’s not wrong!”

Xiao Yao’s face was smushed on the pallet so her expression wasn’t visible but her crying decreased and she said “I don’t hate you, I just don’t know……don’t know what to do…..you go back now, I want to be alone.”

Zhuan Xu’s hand reach out instinctively to comfort Xiao Yao but he pulled back, silently getting up and walking out with heavy steps.

Xiao Yao heard from his footsteps a never before heard weight, she knew that she wasn’t the only person hurting right now. Zhuan Xu hurt more than she did, he was even more sad. Xiao Yao started to cry harder again, once they were each other’s only support and comfort, who knew they would be hurting each other today.

Xiao Yao didn’t want to have to avoid Zhuan Xu, like he said it wasn’t wrong for him to like her. But at the moment she didn’t know how to face him, so she tried her hardest to avoid him. When he came to Xiao Yue Peak, Xiao Yao would plaster herself next to the Yellow Emperor.

Zhuan Xu understood what she was doing so he didn’t force her nor did he let it go. He was still the same, coming to Xiao Yue Peak every day, talking with the Yellow Emperor and taking tea.

Gradually Xiao Yao became less nervous, and as long as neither brought it up, they easily fell back to the way they interacted.

One night, Zhuan Xu chatted with the Yellow Emperor for a bit and was taking his leave when he noticed the moon was exceptionally bright. He turned to Xiao Yao “Haven’t been to the phoenix tree forest in some time, take a walk with me.”

“I’m turning in.” The sun had just set and even Xiao Yao felt this excuse was beyond lame.

Zhuan Xu said nothing, silently looking at Xiao Yao for a moment before walking out of the courtyard headed to the phoenix tree forest alone. His figure seemed especially lonesome.

Xiao Yao watched his figure disappear into the phoenix tree forest like it was gradually being swallowed by the night, just like she was also being swallowed by the night, with no hope and no comfort.

Xiao Yao stood there in a daze for some time before bolting out of the residence and running towards the phoenix tree forest.

Xiao Yao stood under the phoenix tree bent over breathing heavily while looking around is dismay “Zhuan Xu! Zhuan Xu………” There was no answer and no sign of anyone, Zhuan Xu had already left.

Xiao Yao slowly sat down on the grass and wrapped her arms around her knees, burying her head in her lap. She felt sad, and confused, because the things Zhuan Xu wanted she couldn’t give him.

A gust of wind scattered the clouds over the moon and the silvery moonlight shone down like water on the forest. Xiao Yao felt the brightness around her and looked up.

In the bright moonlight, thousands of white roses were blooming before her eyes, each one as beautiful as a precious jewel. Zhuan Xu stood inside the sea of blooming roses with a big smile, using his powers to make the roses bloom like a rippling wave until it reached Xiao Yao and surrounded her.

Xiao Yao stared at Zhuan Xu before angrily grabbing a handful of roses and tossing it angrily at him “Why didn’t you answer if you didn’t leave?”

Zhuan Xu caught the roses and walked over with a smile “With your low powers, getting physical is a habit you need to change.”

“I asked why you didn’t say anything?”

Zhuan Xu sat down beside Xiao Yao “I wanted to scare you, who knew the moonlight would come back just now. Was it pretty?”

Seeing Zhuan Xu like this, Xiao Yao relaxed and punched him on the arm and huffed “Why did you call me out then, not to see you do magic tricks?”

“I wanted to know who else other than Xing Yue tried to hurt you?”

“If you want to know, ask Xing Yue.”

“She said she had no cohorts and did it all alone?” Actually, Xing Yue mocked him when she said that she wished another person could see through Zhuan Xu’s secret, except it was only her. Doesn’t Zhuan Xu feel so pathetic?

Xiao Yao thought and knew Xing Yue wasn’t going to drag Feng Long down with her and was willing to shoulder the blame herself.

Zhuan Xu asked “Xiao Yao, was Feng Long involved with this?”

Xiao Yao said “No! At least I think he’s not. Feng Long and Xing Yue may be siblings but they grew up apart and are vastly different, they even have different last names. Feng Long wouldn’t be so rash……”

Zhuan Xu let out a sigh of relief “That’s good, if it’s just Xing Yue then it’s easier to take care of now.”

Xiao Yao let out a silent sigh, even if Zhuan Xu could do it, punishing the Sheng Nong Empress and the Chi Sui Great General would still be a hard problem to swallow.

Zhuan Xu said “The first time Xing Yue tried to kill you, no one knows about it. It’s not something that should be bandied about so I won’t reveal it. The second time she tried to kill you, everyone saw it so I have to publicly deal with it. But Xing Yue is the daughter of Little Zhu Rong and the Empress, so I won’t deal with it openly otherwise the Middle Plains folks will think I’m targeting them.”

Xiao Yao didn’t understand how Zhuan Xu could do this without contradicting himself.

Zhuan Xu explained “I spoke with the Li Jie Consort, she’s going to take all the blame for trying to kill you.”


Zhuan Xu laughed “Don’t freak out just yet, let me explain. Li Jie Consort doesn’t like living on Zhi Jin Summit and if she took the blame then she can move out and I can give her any of the hundreds of available mountain ranges on Sheng Nong Mountain for her to live freely. The world will think she’s being isolated and punished, but in truth she’s no longer going to deal with the schemes and in fighting with the other consorts. She also isn’t bound by the rules and traditions anymore and can live her life as she pleases.”

“Li Jie Consort agrees? And her family does as well?”

“She’s smart, she knows this is a big burden to carry but it will give her everything she wants. She’ll also take care of her family, I know she didn’t do it so I won’t harm the Li Jie tribe and will instead secretly give them a lot of rewards. I think she’s probably thanking the person who pinned the blame on her right now.”

Xiao Yao scoffed “I can’t believe there is a woman out there who doesn’t want to be with you. She would rather go be banished than live on Zhi Jin Summit!”

Zhuan Xu laughed back “Who cares if she doesn’t like me, I would rather they all didn’t like me and left……..”

Xiao Yao cut him off “How are you going to deal with Xing Yue if the blame is given to Li Jie Consort? She tried to kill me twice but I didn’t die so don’t make it too big and have the world notice.”

Zhuan Xu said “Don’t worry, I know how to deal with it. It won’t cause any ripples, and in fact I don’t want to create any more waves lest it makes more people hate you.”

Xiao Yao realized Zhuan Xu handled it so the Sheng Nong tribe wouldn’t hate her because they don’t even know, and Li Jie tribe got a lot of benefits so they won’t be angry with her.

Zhuan Xu said “Tonight I called you out to tell you that it’s all over! You can rest easy as there will never be anyone trying to harm you again.”

Xiao Yao plucked a rose and took a deep sniff “Zhuan Xu, no need to protect me this well like a tender bloom. We endured so much, and as long as the tough experiences doesn’t destroy us then it is actually an invaluable asset in life. Xing Yue’s matter has prompted me to practice my archery and take up poison making again.”

Under the moonlight, Xiao Yao’s smile was like the dew dropped white rose, beautiful in its simplicity. Zhuan Xu thought that he would be willing to endure anything coming if the future he could sit like this side-by-side with Xiao Yao talking.


Lost You Forever Chapter 45: Mistaking Life and Death for Longing — 42 Comments

  1. Oh dear Koala.. Thank you sooo much for this chapter translation. I keep wondering when will you post the next chapter.. i’m off to read now..

  2. This chapter is for Zhuan Xu. I can imagine his relief after his feelings were out to the open. I somehow pity Xing Yue though 🙁 She might really love ZX but she also wanted the power so much.

    This should really be for ZX but I honestly miss Xiang Liu. </3

  3. Thanks for the chapter Koala. I have been stalking your website for weeks now 🙂
    That was such a sweet proposal from Zhuan Xu but he is just to late. I feel for him, the Empress and the other trapped consorts in the harem.

  4. I’ve been waiting forever for this moment between Zhuan Xu and Xiao Yao. So sweet but also so sad. Hopefully their relationship won’t change *too* much if/when Xiao Yao turns him down. Their gege/meimei relationship is just way too precious. And no matter how much of a soft spot I have for Zhuan Xu, I want Xiao Yao to be happy and have everything she wants in a relationship. Being trapped in the palace as a consort, filled with infighting and intrigue, while sharing her husband with countless other women is simply not what she wants.

    Jing will come back and he’s the best person for her, the only person that can give her what she truly wants. **You know, it took me a while, but I finally remembered that Jing still has that one life saving pill that Xiao Yao made for him a while back. He must have used that to save his last breath and no doubt will return by her side soon.

    Thanks Ms. K!

  5. It’s a nice confrontation and revelation. Poor ZX, his opportunity has passed if I were XY.

    Thank you Koala for another great chapter. 🙂

  6. Thank you Captain K. So sad and unfortunately it’s too late for ZX. Xing Yue does love ZX and as smart as XY is she is so oblivious when it comes to the love department.

    Hope Jing returns as he is the best option for XY but my heart ache for XL the most. Wish they can become an item.

  7. Thank you for the translation! I just don’t feel bad for ZX. Those were all his choices. I also think that something is not right with him just like how XY is very crazy. The palace is always a mess.

  8. Thanks for the translation! Have been checking everyday for weeks xD

    Still can’t bring myself to feel sorry for ZX… and I probably never will ^^”

  9. What a painful chapter. It never gets better for the both of them, does it? Both so badly need some happiness in their lives, I just feel their heartache.
    Thanks for translating.

  10. I really liked this chapter. This chapter definitely is all about Zhuan Xu. This chapter illuminates his motivations and priorities in his life.

    I think it is heartbreaking when he said that he knew he was different from his parents because he knew Xiao Yao is the only one for him but he chose to give her up. I think he chose this path to the throne not because he personally yearns for power, but because he spent a childhood in which being powerless cost him the people he loved. This is especially shown when he said when his mother committed suicide, he had no choice but go on this path for power. In Zhuan Xu’s eyes, only when you are powerful enough to protect the people you love that you are deserving of being with them. And once he receives this absolute power, he would go to no ends to protect and avenge anyone who would hurt Xiao Yao. This is shown in the second book when he punished the Tan Family for attempting to kill her in the middle plains. This is shown in the way he was willing to also punish Feng Long if he believed he had been involved in the attempted murder. Xiao Yao is so important to him that he was willing to ruffle the current peaceful politics of his kingdom.

    This probably is what makes his position so heartbreaking. He accomplished gaining absolute power, but he give up the person he wanted to be with. Or better said, he gave her up to be able to protect her in the future. Xing Yue is right. It is an awfully pathetic position.

    So after all this talk about Zhuan Xu, when is Xiang Liu reappearing? Haha…no really. I miss him.

  11. Every chapter is a freaking roller coaster of emotions. I would be okay with Jing or with Zhuan Xu, because they both love Xiao Yao so much. But with Zhuan Xu as the emperor, I can’t see how Xiao Yao, who just wants a normal, peaceful life, can be with him. Nothing is predictable in this story. Is it too much to ask for both Xiao Yao and Zhuan Xu’s happiness in the end?

  12. Is it the last chapter?

    The ending is quite anti climax but at least we know who the killer is.

    Thank you for the translation 😉

  13. Thank you, Koala, for the translation. ZX’s situation is sad. No way XY could ever accept him as a husband. I’m certain too J would come back tho I didn’t think of the life saving pill that an observant reader mentioned above. I have no doubt that it will be sad for XL’s situation too.. Sigh, though I miss him appearing, I can’t bear thinking how it may likely end up with his sacrifice for his cause. Will XY ever acknowledge XL deep in her heart?

  14. Thank you x

    I have resigned myself to the fact that Jing is going to be the man that will finally be with Xiao Yao standing side by side with her as her husband until death do they part.

    But I really long to have Xiang Liu, be with her, I mean before he dies, I want them to have the most amazing date underwater, in the sky, on the mountains, sharing an amazing meal etc I want Xiao Yao to confess her love for him to him, I want Xiang Liu to be brave and spend a magical loving night with her. Give her a kiss that would be imbedded in her heart and soul until the day she dies.

    Xiang liu is just perfect for her but her future lies with Jing. I’m very sure that Xiang Liu has saved Jing and is helping him recover, he will return Jing to Xiao Yao side after he has the last date with her forever before he disappears. He will remove the lovers bug from her too. I’m sure Xiang Liu can feel all her pain and uncertainty since Xuan Zhu confessed his deeply kept secret love for her.

    Oh I don’t want Xiang Liu to die, I really would like him to stay alive and still have the lovers bug connection with her even though she is married to Jing

  15. Thank you so much for this chapter~! I’ve been stalking your website for weeks =D I feel for ZX and the choices he made, the life he lead, lead him to make the choices that he did. He can now protect her from all harm, but he can’t have his happily after ending with her. I hope that in the future he will be able to find someone else. Jing come back already!!!!!! I’m really torn between Xiang Lu and Jing but I know that Xiang Lu will never get with XY because of his commitment to the General. But still >.> maybe XY can make clones of herself and everyone can live happily ever after!

  16. Words cannot express what a gem you are for continuing to translate these. Since I can’t read Mandarin you’re pretty much my only hope! Read this only a day after it came out since I spam check your page, but wanted to be sure to come back and let you know how much I appreciate these! Thank you thank you and thank you again! Also I’m actually happy for XZ that he finally has it off his chest haha

  17. I took pitty on ZX from the start of LYF. It’s exactly how he worded it, since the day his mom committed suicide and XY mom left he wasn’t able to make or decide his future on his own anymore. He couldn’t roam free and travel the world, have the one he wanted most. Tong Hua was able to masterfully convey ZY emotions from day one of finding XY.
    I love all the male leads but ZY tugs at my heart more. Just like how XL/Bei tugs at others and Jing tugs at others. I agree cold heartedly that XL/Bei chemistry is more playful and sparks fly for XY vs Jing. But we do just need normal for her, she has gone through too much.
    Thank you again Koala for your translation (I’m better late than ever) but enjoy this book a lot.
    What other books do you recommend from Chinese mainland?

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