SM Releases Tribute to SHINee’s Jonghyun and Good Friend Nine Releases Suicide Note Per His Final Wish

Farewell and sleep soundly, dear prince of the K-ent music scene. While Jonghyun of SHINee was just one of the many popular male idols in K-ent, and the group even being on the tail end of its life cycle, his suicide yesterday hits home once again that glitz, glamour, fame, and fortune does not equal happiness and inside every person whether famous or not is someone with feelings and needs. Jonghyun suffered from immense depression as revealed by his suicide letter that he entrusted to Dear Cloud’s Nine to release if he ever died, and Nine has consulted with Jonghyun’s family and together they fulfilled his last wish. The letter is utterly and completely devastating, one does not need to know Jongyhyun as a person or even familiar with him as an entertainer to be completely heartbroken that this beautiful talented young man lived with such mental and emotional pain for so long. I can’t say that if he got through this his life could have turned around but he chose death and I only want to see this young man off on a restful final place where he is happy.

Jonghyun’s final letter:

I am damaged from the inside. The depression that has been slowly eating away at me has completely swallowed me, and I couldn’t win over it.
I hated myself. I tried to hold on to breaking memories and yelled at myself to get a grip, but there was no answer.
If I can’t clear my breath, it’s better to stop.
I asked myself who can take care of myself.
It’s only me.
I was alone.
It’s easy to say I’ll end things.
It’s hard to end things.
I lived all this time because of that difficulty.
They said I wanted to run away.
That’s true. I wanted to run away.
From me.
From you.
I asked who it was. It was me. And it was me. And it was me again.
I asked why I kept losing my memories. They said it was because of my personality. I see. It wa smy fault in the end.
I wanted someone to notice, but no one noticed. No one met me, so of course they don’t know I exist.
I asked why people live. Just. Just. People just live.
If I ask why people die, I guess they’d say they were tired.
I suffered and I worried. I never learned how to turn my pain into happiness.
Pain is just pain.
They told me not to be like that.
Why? I can’t even end things the way I want?
They told me to figure out why I was hurting.
I know very well why. I’m hurting because of me. It’s all my fault and because I’m bad.
Doctor, is this what you wanted to hear?
No, I didn’t do anything wrong.
When the doctor blamed my personality with a quiet voice, I thought it was so easy to be a doctor.
It’s amazing how much I’m hurting. People who are hurting more live well. People weaker than me live well. I guess not. Out of everyone alive, there’s no one hurting more than I am and there’s no one weaker than I am.
But they said I should live.
I asked why so many times, but it’s not for me. It’s for you.
I wanted to be for me.
Don’t say things that don’t make sense.
Figure out why I’m hurting? I told you why. Why I was hurting. Is it not okay to be hurting this much because of that? Do I need a more dramatic detail? I need more of a story?
I told you why. Were you not listening? Things I can win over don’t end in scars.
It wasn’t my place to clash with the world.
It wasn’t my life to be known to the world.
They said that was why I was hurting more. Because I had clashed with the world, because I was known to the world. Why did I choose this? That’s funny.
It’s a miracle I lasted this far.
What more can I say? Just tell me I worked hard.
That it was good of me to come this far. That I worked hard.
Even if you can’t smile as you let me go, please don’t blame me.
I worked hard.
I really did work hard.
Good bye.

종현과 마지막 인사를 하고 왔어요. 웃고 있는 영정사진을 보고서도 저는 여전히 종현이가 제게 다가와 이 모든 게 꿈이었던 것처럼 웃어줄 것 같았습니다. 얼마 전부터 종현이는 제게 어둡고 깊은 내면의 이야기들을 하곤 했어요. 매일같이 많이 힘들었던 것 같아요. 불안한 생각이 들어 가족들에게도 알리고 그의 마음을 잡도록 애썼는데 결국엔 시간만 지연시킬 뿐 그 마지막을 막지 못했습니다. 아직도 이 세상에 그가 없다는 게 믿어지지 않고 너무 괴롭습니다. 지금도 이 글을 올리는게 맞는 건지 겁도 나지만 종현이 본인이 세상에서 사라지면 이 글을 꼭 직접 올려달라고 부탁을 했어요. 이런 날이 오지 않길 바랐는데… 가족과 상의 끝에, 그의 유언에 따라 유서를 올립니다. 분명 저에게 맡긴 이유가 있을 거라고 생각해요. 논란이 있을 거란 걱정도 하고 있습니다. 하지만 그마저도 예상하고 저에게 부탁을 했을 거란 생각에 제가 종현이를 위해 할 수 있는 마지막 일을 해야겠다고 결정했습니다. 이제라도 종현이 혼자가 아니었다는 것을 알아주길 바라요. 그리고 수고했다고…정말 잘했다고… 잘 참아줘서 고맙다고 얘기해주세요… 아름다운 종현아 정말 많이 사랑해 앞으로도 많이 사랑할게. 그곳에서는 부디 아프지 않고 평안하기를 바라. . . 유서 전문입니다. . . 난 속에서부터 고장났다. 천천히 날 갉아먹던 우울은 결국 날 집어삼켰고 난 그걸 이길 수 없었다. 나는 날 미워했다. 끊기는 기억을 붙들고 아무리 정신차리라고 소리쳐봐도 답은 없었다. 막히는 숨을 틔어줄 수 없다면 차라리 멈추는게 나아. 날 책임질 수 있는건 누구인지 물었다. 너뿐이야. 난 오롯이 혼자였다. 끝낸다는 말은 쉽다. 끝내기는 어렵다. 그 어려움에 여지껏 살았다. 도망치고 싶은거라 했다. 맞아. 난 도망치고 싶었어. 나에게서. 너에게서. 거기 누구냐고 물었다. 나라고 했다. 또 나라고 했다. 그리고 또 나라고했다. 왜 자꾸만 기억을 잃냐 했다. 성격 탓이란다. 그렇군요. 결국엔 다 내탓이군요. 눈치채주길 바랬지만 아무도 몰랐다. 날 만난적 없으니 내가 있는지도 모르는게 당연해. 왜 사느냐 물었다. 그냥. 그냥. 다들 그냥 산단다. 왜 죽으냐 물으면 지쳤다 하겠다. 시달리고 고민했다. 지겨운 통증들을 환희로 바꾸는 법은 배운 적도 없었다. 통증은 통증일 뿐이다. 그러지 말라고 날 다그쳤다. 왜요? 난 왜 내 마음대로 끝도 못맺게 해요? 왜 아픈지를 찾으라 했다. 너무 잘 알고있다. 난 나 때문에 아프다. 전부 다 내 탓이고 내가 못나서야. 선생님 이말이 듣고싶었나요? 아뇨. 난 잘못한게 없어요. 조근한 목소리로 내성격을 탓할때 의사 참 쉽다 생각했다. 왜 이렇게까지 아픈지 신기한 노릇이다. 나보다 힘든 사람들도 잘만 살던데. 나보다 약한 사람들도 잘만 살던데. 아닌가보다. 살아있는 사람 중에 나보다 힘든 사람은 없고 나보다 약한 사람은 없다. 그래도 살으라고 했다. 왜 그래야하는지 수백번 물어봐도 날위해서는 아니다. 널위해서다. 날 위하고 싶었다. 제발 모르는 소리 좀 하지 말아요. 왜 힘든지를 찾으라니. 몇번이나 얘기해 줬잖아. 왜 내가 힘든지. 그걸로는 이만큼 힘들면 안돼는거야? 더 구체적인 드라마가 있어야 하는거야? 좀 더 사연이 있었으면 하는 거야? 이미 이야기했잖아. 혹시 흘려들은 거 아니야? 이겨낼 수있는건 흉터로 남지 않아. 세상과 부딪히는 건 내 몫이 아니었나봐. 세상에 알려지는 건 내 삶이 아니었나봐. 다 그래서 힘든 거더라. 부딪혀서, 알려져서 힘들더라. 왜 그걸 택했을까. 웃긴 일이다. 지금껏 버티고 있었던게 용하지. 무슨 말을 더해. 그냥 수고했다고 해줘. 이만하면 잘했다고. 고생했다고 해줘. 웃지는 못하더라도 탓하며 보내진 말아줘. 수고했어. 정말 고생했어. 안녕.

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SM Releases Tribute to SHINee’s Jonghyun and Good Friend Nine Releases Suicide Note Per His Final Wish — 24 Comments

  1. Another sad example that there’s a deep prejudice against mental illnesses in Korea. Not just in Korea but I think in Asia and whole world actually. Just because you can’t see the pain, the physical wound, doesn’t men it’s there. Doctors definitely need more education on how to meet a patient (and their family). I admit I cried yesterday even when I was not a hardcore shawol. SHINee was still one of the first kpop bands I fangirled to. Rest in peace, Kim Jong-hyun. You worked hard. Thank you for giving us so much joy with your talent.

  2. I’m truly saddened by this news. I first saw the news on Taeyang and I was truly joyous until I saw the news beside Taeyang. At first, I thought it was a joke because when I always saw Jonghyan, he was always smiling. Im not a fan of Shinee but Im a huge of Jonghyan, RIP. You will always be remembered.

  3. This breaks my heart, even though I don’t personally know him. I wish only the he rests in eternal peace. I’ll pray for his soul, because he will need it on his journey. I hope you all do, too.

  4. This letter is devastating. I am truly saddened by it and all I can do is wish he has finally found his inner peace.

    I don’t want to be judgemental but there are so many questions popping up in my head. Was his doctor a psychiatrist? Where was his key worker (did he have one)? Does SM entertainment have a psychiatrist (I truly hope so because propelling such young people to superstardom isn’t healthy for their minds, at 27 years old they are at the tail-end of their cycle?? So, have they got support to help them adjust with this kind of mentality?)

  5. As someone struggling with depression for years, I can really empathize with his “I really did work hard”. It’s just so goddamn difficult sometimes and I wish he’d been given the help he so desperately needed. Rest in power, Jonghyun.

    My best friend committed suicide a few years ago. It’s such a terrible feeling to know that someone you loved suffered so deeply. I feel for his friends and family. And, of course, also his fans, especially those with mental illnesses. Keep yourselves safe.

  6. God this is all so heartbreaking. I was a fan for a while years ago and it is so painful to find out how much he was hurting this whole time 😔

  7. Wow. He really reached inside his soul to figure his meaning and in the end he knew what was best for him…not the ending anyone wanted but it was the ending he envisioned. He hurt so much he had no other reason. It’s extremely unfortunate but I think I understand him. May he Rest In Peace. Thank you for sharing this letter, you have shed light on this topic and have helped everyone feeling this way even when you were leaving. In your next life, find your happiness.

  8. Rest in Peace JongHyun.Dont be in pain anymore.Unfortunately though, people’s attitude toward mental illnesses wont change.They will leave kind messages for the next few days.Then they will be back to labeling celebrities who speak their mental illnesses and internal personal struggles on tv shows or writing about them and reaching out on SNS as “attention whores”, “master emotion manipulators” etc.

    Crybabies who dont know gratitude when they earn so much money.As if money or popularity is the answer to this.Or others just dismiss the discussion with, “just get married/date” as if that is a cure to depression..

  9. I didn’t know him, but after reading his last words I so wish that I could give him a hug. He did not receive the treatment he surely needed. I wonder how his doctor feels after reading this. Was he ever that honest or he could not share his agony to others the way he did at the end? Anyhow. He was very very lonely. Rest in peace young man.

  10. This is a note from a soul that was broken and hurting. Why oh why couldn’t there have been someone there for him. I know he had depression and I know what depression can do to a person but still…May his life not be in vain. May this note help others peek into a part of a person with depression’s soul. May we all not turn away from those with depression and may we not belittle how they feel. Prayers for the family and friends and for the multiple other people people suffering with depression right now. May God hold them in His mighty hand and comfort them.

  11. Rest in peace Jonghyun.

    That’s a terrible letter to read. The ending is just heartbreaking. How he must have suffered to write such a note.

    Gosh hope the support for depression improves in SK. But then mental health support is bad in almost any countries. That is the saddest suicide death note I have ever read. And I work somewhere where we read such things. His pain just comes through. Not even a fan but as a fellow human being feel so sorry.

    Sugohaseyo Jonghyun-ssi.

  12. Did his doctor truly say that? Wooow.. As someone who also suffers from depression and goes to professionals, I wanna say that’s fucked up man. He/she knew he was depressed and still blamed him. If I were him, I would also commit suicide.

    For me, I just want to be listened and thank God my psychiatrist does that. She never blames me and sometimes agrees with my opinions. It makes you not feeling alone you know.

    I also goes to a psychologist and she did the same, only listens to me, never blames me, and always encourages me. Isn’t that what a psychiatrist and psychologist should do? To make their patients feel better and do not endanger themselves?

    I hope Jong Hyun’s doctor realised that!!

  13. Absolutely devastating situation, I can’t even say anymore about that letter, it’s overwhelming.

    I mean it with every fiber of my being when I say may he Rest In peace and happiness. It’s what he really wanted in this life.

  14. oh lord !! Poor thing was suffering so much. may his soul now rest in peace !!
    May all those suffering from depression , get motivation to fight it out..

  15. I am sad as I loved his voice and his persona when doing Oh My Baby. He seemed so cheerful and happy I did not see this coming. Not from him. But I can emphatize with him and the letter. The letter is really close to my heart. I can relate to each word. Last month I too write note left in my phone. In case people find if ever something happen to me. I don’t even have people to leave a letter. His depression must have been a long time and series episode of depression. There is nothing more to say. He is already left. I hope other people who is in deep depression is able to get help they need.

  16. This is really such a devastating news. But come on guys do you really need to put on blame to the doctor now? Having read the news i got that he got depression for some years now and i don’t really think that you can interpret something just by reading a one side statement. Psychiatric is part of medicine that sometimes we find really odd. Depression itself cause imbalance in patient’s neurotransmitter. I believe that the doctor has doing his/her job profesionally and doing his/her practice in with evidence-based-medicine with such compassion and will do no harm to his/her patients. And if he/she do something wrong in the practice they need to do a thorough investigation and not just by a one side statement. So my point is, it is not a time to put on blame to someone. It already happen. Its time to reflect to ourselves, have we do enough to care about people around us and get help in the right time? May everyone can respond this kind of sensitive news wisely.

    Life is gift from Him. It’s never be yours to begin it. So that, it is not wise to end something you dont own yourselves.

    I offer my deepest condolonces to the family, friends, and all his fans around the world.

  17. So if he told Cloud Nine to release this letter if he dies, shouldn’t they try to reach out to help him? Shouldn’t they suspect he may commit suicide? Shouldn’t they alert his family or friends to help him? It seemed like no one reached out. Who on earth just lets the person commit suicide? I don’t understand that.

  18. This man could have been saved if he relied less on doctors or those psychotictrist. It’s such a waste when someone like popular idol would end their life, he is part of 1% rarely given opportunities on this world. Then now we 99% must know why richest and fame is not all there is in this life, those things are futile and will never make men content and happy, but most are
    lonely with trying to keep up with the world. RIP Jong Hyun! To all depress, my advice, go travel and see the world, study and learn many things to your hearts content and seek for the Truth & serve. God bless.

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